a walk to remember

随心

到了三月尾端才发现原来有两个月假期，很想去旅行但不知怎么去，和谁去，去哪，钱呢，住宿呢。。。有人可以很干脆的背个背包就出发到梦想之都到处走走， 这也是我的梦想，可惜都还是梦想啊！我觉得我真是个思想家，脑袋里有好多好多大计，哈，但都还未实现，真希望有阿拉丁神灯，我真是个懒惰的家伙！
一直以来，我都很喝望自由，可以很任性的凭着自己感觉做任何一件事，要左转还是右转都可以，又想过我一人拿着简单的行李，不多久一个相机，一张全家福，我最喜爱的小枕头，换洗衣物就随性的出发，到一个从来没去过的地方随意的小住常住，也许可以打些小工赚取盘川，如我的文凭能用的话就做会本行，待我熟悉了当地的风土明晴，也许我有回换个不同的环境，边工作边旅行。
那一天，我买了较迟的车票，就利用等车的时间在附近乱走，平常大家都说这里治安不好，哪里有很多外劳，女孩子不要一个人出门等，让我感到好像我四周都有太多无形的绳子把我局限在一个空间里，我很像但不敢跨越我的安全地带，因为我不够信心，绳子以外的空间很诱人但却好像很危险。
我爱搭巴士，因为他从来不会直揭去到目的地，他会左弯右摆随时停下接送客人，在巴士上可以边看风景同时也更加认识我住的城市，得士很直接，巴士较随性。

tuesday with morrie

for the loneliness,
let it go, let the tears flow,
feel it completely but eventually be able to say,
alright, that was my moment with loneliness.
i am not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i am going to put that loneliness aside
and know that there are other emotions in the world,
and i am going to experience them as well.

this is my favorite quote from a book, tuesday with morrie.
it's about two men, a teacher and his student,
the teacher had a type of disease which is untreatable and proggressively worsen. however, this teacher did not just stopped there but continue to live his life to the fullest after he know his condition by giving his student lessons.. lessons of live ...

i accidentally found this quote on my notes which i had forgotten for a long time.. i agree with it very much.. there are so many emotions in our life.. be it happy , sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, and so on.. let just fell the emotion completely.. let the tears flow, let the pressure out.... only after that we have space for the happiness ..

a puro dolor

part 1
it's starts with blood and ends with blood....
"hi, can you please help me to take blood from uncle bed ##, he has prominent vein, should be easy to take blood.. remember too fill this ESR bottle up to this level, no more no less. is that alright?"
"ok.doc.i'll try "
i was quite happy when asked to take blood as i need to fill my log book with the. signature from doctor for blood taking.. as i walk to his bed, this uncle was quite ill and on nasal prong for oxygen, he spoke in a hoarse voice.. i did not know what problem this uncle had. i approached him and
"uncle, i take blood from you , ok?"
"...take...slow...slow...pain..." he seemed to be out of breath and he actually whispering...
ok,
"i am going to poke you now,a liltle pain ya, ok ok, blood coming out.... it's done ...
bye uncle
he nod his head and just dozed off..
"sh, yesterday my doctor show us a patient who got hoarseness of voice. he got metastasized lung cancer with unknown primary.. "sx said
"which patient?"
"that patient"
oh , the patient whom i took blood earlier.. now i know why he seemed difficult to speak.. he always very tiring looking and seemed to be sleeping everytime i walk past his bed..
during that week, i was quite hardworking, everymorning go to take blood... that quite a couple time i take blood from that patient until one time when one of my friend failed to take blood from him, he gestured me to help to take blood from him.. he hardly able to speak but he kept pointed his vein to me.. his wife said he would like me to take his blood..
i was quite touched actually .. haha.. he trusted me so much.. actually i was not consistent in taking blood.. failed to take blood in a few patient actually.. since he trusted me so much.. then i go on.. when i poke his vein, although it is prominent vein, but it is very mobile also, oh no, no blood, no i cant let him down, blood please come out, ok ok got blood already.. ok uncle, i'm done..
my hands sweats like just after handwashing...
since that day, whennever he  saw me he will gestured me to take blood from him by pointing his vein to me, my friend even joked that i am his御用抽血师.
in fact, i was quite happy with that because he give me the confidence to take blood ever since..
whenever i past by his bed, he will nod his head... waved goodbye ...
there's one time when he asked me to take blood again, as usual i wear the glove,  take the syringe swab with alcohol and poke him, i was quite confidence but .. oh no.. no blood.. poke a bit deeper.. no blood.. he seemed in some pain .. i had to give up.. he looked at him and mouthed the word thank you.. i felt so guilty to said i failed and asked the houseman to take.. since that day, i not dare to walked to his cubicle till few days later, when he saw me, he gestured me with his vein again, i was quite unbelievable that he still trusted me so much...
i know that his prognosis was not good and really feared to hear the bad news about him.. one saturday when i go to ward, he was in respiratory distress.. he used all his accessory muscle to help him breathing...he was very out of breath..he breath through his mouth.. his lips bluish purple in colour.. to our surprise he let my friend to listen to his breath sounds which he usually would rejected us since he was very ill.. my friend listen and it was no good sign.. he asked us to help him adjusted his position to be more comfortable and accidentally his branula went off and fresh blood oozing out.. i was quite shock and do not know what to do except calling the nurse.. my fren asked to to pressed on his vein to try to stopped the bleeding.. it was the last encounter with him.. after the incident, he waved me goodbye
today when i go to ward again, and i saw his name written in red ink.. he passed away 3am this morning...
my first encounter with him is blood taking and the last one is he bleeds from branula site..
if i knew that day was the last few days in his life maybe i will try to have a light chat with him.. if only i knew.. he was a special patient for me coz he give me the confidence to take blood.. he trust me ... if only i knew that day was the last day i met him, i think i would had said " thank you uncle! you give me lots of confidence!"
it's too late....

part two---- heart

(if you are bored reading, sorry, that's the words from my heart today)

"sh, you know or not, bed** uncle got AR (type of heart murmur which hardly can found in ward)"
"ya, i know, tomoro morning i plan to examine him"
although we reached the ward around 730am, there's alreadt one senior examine him alredy, my fren and i waited there until the senior finished and i approached him..
"uncle, can we examine you"
"sure"
he laid down proffesionally, pulled up his shirt...
"uncle can let ,y fren examine as well"
"ok, ok"
there were friends actually, five of us
after our turn still got another group
he was very kind and cooperative
he was admitted yesterday and nobody think this could had happen on him including me.. due to too many people in his cubicle, after examining him i forgot to said thank you to him, i was thinking nevermind la, later approached him again, since he was so king, i would like to listen to his heart sound again as it was difficult to elicit actually...
later go and see him again la.. i was saying this to myself..
i was curious why suddenly so many houseman rushed to his bed, oh no, the doctor was trying to intubate him, he collapsed in a sudden while the nurse try to take bp from him..
"docor how's the uncle in bed **"
"oh, they give him 6 atropine and now was doing cpr on him"
"no good"
i rushed to my teaching session..
"sh, that uncle passed away d"said my fren
all in a sudden, i never able to said thank you to him...

my fren said life is so fragile....
it's true.. we never know what would happen the next minute
live as if today is your last day.. suddenly i think i understand what its mean..
i wan to call my mum, dad, brother.. i never said i love you to them..
i wan to meet all my old frens who long time din contact.. i miss you guys...
that's thing you can not recover.. the stone after it's throw.. the words after it's said.. the occassion after it's loss.. the time after it's gone...

if only i know that's the last moment in their life....
but i never know...
i never know when will be the last moment in my life... i should cherish every moment every people in my life..

smile to the trouble and find strength in distress...

people needs constant motivation and reassurance from others. sometimes you may be get so boring over your job, always get scolded from your superiors and get bad moods, other people always not cooperating with you and your temper rising, your face start to turn angry looking, then get depressed, everything just turn out to not in their right order....
smile to the trouble and find strength in distress... recently i came across this words from do-not-know-which-article, and i felt it really works..  people are easily influenced by the surrounding people, things and even wheather.. there's a vicious cycle about everything... so when there is trouble awaits you, face it with a broad smile.. you may not overcome the trouble by smile alone.. but at least at that moment you are smiling...
when you smile to some one , someone will relpy you with a smile.. as simple as that.. hopefully in the exam when i smile to the examiner, the examiner can give me the correct answer.... ha ha..

trapped soul

a trapped soul.
there's a woman in her late fifties always lying quietly at her bed.. she rarely smiles or talk to her ward mates around her.. every time when i walk past her bed, she either will be sleeping or praying to her god ... she always remain cool and expressionless..
one day, my coursemate happen to know she had rheumatoid disease and ask us to try to clerk her or examine her.. as usual.. she lying there with her eyes closed.. the four of us just stood there thinking of what do and suudenly she just open her eyes.. maybe she sensed our presence.. to my surprise she talked to us.. actually she talked a lot.. she had been diagnosed with rheumatoid problem at the age of 28, and since than she suffered the pain and need to be on steroid .... after 30 years of steroid she now having all the complication from the disease itself and also from the steroid.. she was bed ridden for the past six months and she needed to be fed..
she said she had eye vision problem as well and other people always think she is too proud to socialize with others .. she said she does not care what other people think abot her.. for the past 30 years.. she kept her illness for herself even from her husband and family members.. her friends always think she's a weirdo as she did not explain to them why she cant open the doorr for her self... why she cant carry heavy things .. why she always isolated herself from others when she in pain.. she said she does not care what others think of her as long as her God knows.. somehow i feel that she does care.. she actually hope the empathy from her family and friends...
all she can do now was praying to god and let the curious medical students to feel for her nodules ...
there's a soul trapped in a painful body..

difficult life

life is difficult..
some people always do not contented with their life..they always keep complaining about this and that...
but they are some people with very difficult life where God seems to forget them...they are the people who struggling for their life...
i met one women in her thirties.. she came from indonesia and works as cleaners here..she came in with the sudden onset of loss of vision and on examination there was third nerve palsy.. on further questioning, she said she had hypertension after her youngest child was born and it was at least six years ago.. i ask her whether she take regular medications for her hypertension, and she start weeping saying she cant afford the meds, she has four children and she had to work hard for children.. she said she don even have proper meal just to save money for her family.. she had came to malaysia for two and halve years.. sometimes she just reheat the leftover rice from her boss as her meal... she don have extra money for the meds..   she said she cant afford the hospital fees and wanted to be discharged... as a foreigner like her she will be charged double as compared to the malaysian.. she worried about the hospital fees.. she said she had been in the wards for four days and she hope to be discharged to go back to work.. she weeps again and again
she is the first patient i clerk today and i really feel sorry for her.. i worried about her as well... without proper management of hypertension it can leads to so many complications... hypertension ruin the eyes , shut the kidney down, the heart , the brain......... if ever she gets sick who look after the children .. who paid for the opthalmologist, for the dialysis, if she get stroke can she work some more..
whay about her children, can not continue school, have to go to work, with her mothe faraway , will the children get to make friends with bad people and get influenced..
the medications is not cheap... i heard from many patients and they opt to get medications from goverment hospital... but what about her? she's not malaysian, medications will be more expensiv e , she's just a cleaner without much education ...
i just hope i know how to help her....

day-dreaming

dream......... i beleive in dream.. i like to dream ..dream about people, things that i like.. some people said dreaming is unrealistic.. yeah...i like unrealistic.. i don like the real life where there is death occuring .. don like the real life that there is war occuring somewhere... don like the life where threre is someone evil,sinister........don like the real life that global warming is actually occuring...don like the real life that someone we love people we care leaving us......i like my dream where evything is green, always a rainbow hanging around...the love ones always stay together ...never depart....ozone still very thick.. every one is kind...no evil,no war,no famine.... that's just a dream

these days , i start questioning what is life? does it has any colours ? if so wat colouur would it be? pink? yellow? red? wat colours shud i use to decorate my life? i heard people said when a child is born the baby is just like a piece of white paper..so pure .. if there is a chance for me to decorate my own piece of white paper i wan it to have an apple green , bluish white, reddish yellow , pinkish purple n n  n .............. i wan a colourful life..........